Have At It Bugs

            Mosquito lands on my left knee. Feel my hairs tremble. Lying flat on my back. Approaching the place where sleep and mad insight merge, that’s where I am, flat on my back, breathing deeply meditating sleep kind of breathing, no body, gone to the deep place. Mosquito trembles knee hairs and pierces. Begins sucking my blood. Have at it, Bug. I’m not swiping at you, not even lifting a knee to shake you off. Have the fuck at my blood, bitch bug.

            Beetle, a giant crusty thick chunky beetle walks up my inner thigh, towards my shorts, and up my shorts like it’s a cave to explore, up my leg under my cave shorts toward my left nut. Go, Bug, explore. Explore my balls, Bug, Nut Bug, do what you need to do on your little journey of yours, innocent or possibly give me some disease or lay your eggs under my skin, have the fuck at it, Nut Bug, I’m not scratching, or flicking or throwing off my shorts, not doing it. Have at my thighs and nuts, Mr. Nut Fucking Bug, have at my shit, explore your own little beetle way and it’s all good, not breaking out of this numb deep gone place.

            Flying late August flit-bug, flits around in spasm circles, lands on my upper lip, hits a tooth and flies dramatically to the back of my throat. Have at it, Bug. Mr. Throat Bug, walking down my throat, will eventually drown in saliva and die in a scary, dark place, will die a bug death and be resting in peace near my Adam’s apple, all cloggy. Sure, Throat Bug, do it up. Have at it, Bug.

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Such a glorious beheading!

(Precarious Birch still from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, screenplay by Roger Ebert)

Haven the Hawk

One Christmas we spent in Death Valley, another in Anza Borego, another in Joshua Tree. Those Christmases in the desert, the dry air and blue skies, hiking for real. Today we hiked up Rodero Canyon, in the dry air under blue skies through the live oak, cool in the shade and hot in the sun, past the spring and to the prayer flags. I carried Haven on my shoulders. I had to keep going. Haven and I climbed another fifteen minutes, sweating and breathing in rhythm, to a ridge where we could see the way to the clouds, see east to Ventura and those mountains and ripples descending to the sea, to the islands due south, to Santa Barbara and beyond, the curve of the little bay and Stearns Wharf, and nothing but simmering ocean, shifting colors, and water. We stood with the redtail hawk and watched it ride warm updrafts. Haven spread his arms and floated on the dry air, arms wide, on his toes. We raised our arms above our heads and said a prayer, both of us, to the elements, our breathing, our friends and family, our very power that enabled us to summit mountains, and the will to do it. He smiled and became talkative. On our way down, Haven on my shoulders, he played a beat to the rhythm of footfalls and breathing. He turned his baseball cap backwards so that he could better see the mountain summits above us, and that sky.

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Clickbait This

I hate clickbait headlines. Find out why. To be more precise, I despise how clickbait headlines have moved away from trash websites, TMZ-style websites, tabloid articles, and found their way to major newspapers (NYT/Guardian/Washington Post, et al), magazines and even sports coverage. A bucket next to me for the splattering hurl. I don’t hit headlines written in the clickbait style - don’t want to find out what secret they’re keeping from me and how much their analytics demands the coaxing, titillating click. As some ignore billboards when road-tripping through the country, my anti-huckster filters keep most clickbait away. See what happens when shooter enters church. Eight things will surprise you when tsunami slams into island. See this classic look on Cohen’s face when leaving court. Think you know what happens when branch falls on child? Think again. See what happens when bullet enters dog’s eye. Who wins a fight between hawk and squirrel? The donuts this Manhattan shop serves will surprise you. When the Economist begins clickbait headlines - staid, conservative, elite, and the voice of neoliberal power - you know total suffusion has arrived. We live within Facebook’s network, not the actual World Wide Web. Zuck wants to own the totalized internet. I’m with Elizabeth Warren on this one - break up the Zuck. And all others. Zuck’s sucks. Of course his universal vision is responsible for click-baiting whoredom. The confidence man never dies in this nation of the sell. We are a land of pimps, that’s how we feed our children. And so, now, today, every time you click on my shit, I want digits flowing into my offshore.

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Timed Making the Bed

Timed how long it takes to make the bed in the morning in my underwear. Not that wearing jeans would be longer or shorter. Just want to know, when you blow it off every morning, how long does it take? Your girl wants you to make the bed. Found my phone on a windowsill not plugged in. “There you are.” Two cats hunting the first chipmunk. Set the timer, three two one go! My rocket to the moon, my Elon Musk, my successful startup, my breakthrough accomplishment! Sheet tightly tucked in on her side loosely on mine. Comforter, ensuring tag at the foot of the bed. Manufacturers, lose the tags please. Thanks. Quilt floral patterns, make sure stems and leaves go vertically, not widthwise. Pillow Tidy. Boom! Ran around the bed to the windowsill. 2:12.

2:12. That’s what I’m saving in the morning when blowing off making the bed. What a loser. Dear Loser, that’s you. Dag! Okay, okay, okay, every morning. Renewed commitment, Zen focus. And in any case don’t listen to the whiney voice. We all know that voice. Imagine a world where we totally killed the whiney voice, from domestic chores to geopolitics! We’d be okay, we’d make it through this mess, we’d avoid self-inflicted apocalypse. Then it hit me. Make the bed every morning for world peace.

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Couches in Our Lives

Good, now rise from the narrows and body steadily down the hallways past your sons’ bedroom doors as they sleep heavily in the middle of the night and temperatures drop below 20 and school already early dismissal because of snow hit two in the afternoon. Which of course makes parents scramble, this one included, alter plans, rise earlier work earlier out earlier, to see always around the annoying lake. Read The Order of Things Now! Report back to me. Are you really going to read Tropic of Capricorn? What about Heterogeneities? The Art of War? Finnegan’s Wake? Darkness at Noon? The Russian Revolution? Yes! Of course, a second time all, including Madam Bovary, there she is now, next to Satanic Verses and some construction paper Rhode Island Red my son made in second grade, there’s Sontag’s In America and Cummings why don’t you just stand and reach for the poems at least. Wow, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance still around some of these from high school from Gauangelloch’s rolladen and as a junior read The Goebbel’s Diaries, as a thing to publish and for a boy to read, learn about propaganda, about the word, do you remember any of that? And of course, like as every other book or play read in high school, when revisited we see increased depth and a universal meaning that reveal hidden secrets. The Political Thought of Hannah Arendt. I really am impressed with your collection, Dr. Dopeness, he who doesn’t have much else to say out there in this society, Babel too loud and fast, a Vermont farm seems more about right. Step off Manhattan. Transcribe entire books, we see this, remember the American Trailer Story, that couch next to the window but you faced the other way in that house so that your right arm pressed against the couch cushions and your left fell occasionally if you didn’t anchor it properly. All the couches in your life. Well, let’s see . . .

There was the brown sofa in our living room growing up, which my parents still have. The black leather couch in the basement (darts, table tennis, boxing bag, mattresses for wrestling and taking penalty kicks); and the brown leather davenport also in the living room where warm on winter night overlooking Hauptstrasse, all of which my parents shipped across the Atlantic. Exploring the reasons why would require a deep dive. That blue velvet couch pulled off the street - what a score! But mold attacked it and almost killed everybody before I got hit by a drunk driver - hit and run - and the squirrel fell down the chimney, scratched mightily for two days, and then died. Recall the gag stench that pinned you to a wall. The couches in our lives. What sort of things did you do on the couch, besides sit, sleep or watch TV? Exactly.

Peed behind a Comfort Inn dumpster out back. And, as often, individuals set up a small Place for themselves, a picnic table and a chair under a pine near the parking lot dumpster, neighboring where they’re clearing several acres, 95 visible beyond it. Sat on the table and turned my face to the sun. Cold air warm sun. Soccer practice graded paper drafts headphones until time to have a meaningful chat with Sean. Tomorrow it’s going to snow and Manchester United plays PSG in the Champions League. One really should write to search, also. To not know, to find, stumble upon, take note of living inspiration. Remember the mystic and the muse. Remember Lax, but also Rabindranath Tagore. Remember word and placement, punctuation and air, space, delight; remember knowing the Thing behind the expression. Which returns us to the Idea, inside mind, we see these elements of daily existence, we see and know, we sing, and so we understand the first line, and unlike many, unlike most, we write down the first line. See what happens. Get on with it. What is this all about then. See the flowing Exxon Mobil, how are they able to do this work daily without thinking about the devil? They are able to do their work, have affairs, send kids to college, experience joy and not worry about the devil. Or any other mind-created ‘noid that sets our potential ablaze and encourages us to live in a small little circle, content to be nobody.

And praying anyway, hoping that someone will recognize us.

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