I hate clickbait headlines. Find out why. To be more precise, I despise how clickbait headlines have moved away from trash websites, TMZ-style websites, tabloid articles, and found their way to major newspapers (NYT/Guardian/Washington Post, et al), magazines and even sports coverage. A bucket next to me for the splattering hurl. I don’t hit headlines written in the clickbait style - don’t want to find out what secret they’re keeping from me and how much their analytics demands the coaxing, titillating click. As some ignore billboards when road-tripping through the country, my anti-huckster filters keep most clickbait away. See what happens when shooter enters church. Eight things will surprise you when tsunami slams into island. See this classic look on Cohen’s face when leaving court. Think you know what happens when branch falls on child? Think again. See what happens when bullet enters dog’s eye. Who wins a fight between hawk and squirrel? The donuts this Manhattan shop serves will surprise you. When the Economist begins clickbait headlines - staid, conservative, elite, and the voice of neoliberal power - you know total suffusion has arrived. We live within Facebook’s network, not the actual World Wide Web. Zuck wants to own the totalized internet. I’m with Elizabeth Warren on this one - break up the Zuck. And all others. Zuck’s sucks. Of course his universal vision is responsible for click-baiting whoredom. The confidence man never dies in this nation of the sell. We are a land of pimps, that’s how we feed our children. And so, now, today, every time you click on my shit, I want digits flowing into my offshore.
